Introspection - The Art of Not Unraveling Your Knitting Project

Life has its ups. Life has its downs. Life has its surprises. That's what makes it . . . Life. And as we are all the captains of our own ships, it never hurts to assess the sanity of the person turning the wheel. The encouragement for introspection and understanding your own motivations is an interesting, if frightening, idea. Sometimes it's hard to admit you're the captain, and you can't blame a shipwreck on the crew.

Originally, I was going to title this blog "Drama!" and it was going to be all about the vacation that was not a vacation (we've all had those) . . . but frankly, I've vented to my friends about all the stresses caused by cat, family, cat, husband, mother's cat, cat, family, cat again . . . and I realized that I want to let go of that negativity and turn on a more positive course. I put some of the concepts I've been reading about into practice, and when I was nervous, or stressed, I would repeat the phrase "My life is enriched by the friendships I have." And guess what? This last week has been going great! My cat seems to be making a full recovery (although we have to dose the poor thing 5 times a day for 12 days, so I'm sure she feels like it's only been two minutes since the last time we had to grab her and ram nasty-tasting pills and liquid down her throat). There has been an overwhelming expression of support - and several of my friends even offered to take me to lunch to help make up for the mangling of my vacation. I even received one of the increasingly rare credit card offers that has no balance transfer fees and a 3.99% APR on balance transfers until 2014 (which will save me thousands in interest) . . . all of which are things I should celebrate.

How does knitting tie into this? While I was stressed, I was working on a knitting project for A. I'm new to knitting, and arts & crafts have never come easily to me, so this project is a challenge on multiple levels. Not only does it require skill - it requires patience and the ability to be gentle and forgiving with myself instead of critical (harder than it sounds). In the midst of my vacation, I finally gave into the frustrations and unraveled my whole project so I could have a fresh start. In a sense, I think this was the right thing to do - but if I continue to unravel it every time I make a mistake, the hat I'm trying to make will never come to be. It's an exercise in balance. It's funny how you see the reflections of your Life in the small choices you make. Who would have thought a ball of yarn would be a mirror for the big picture? I've managed to take a deep breath and cast the project on the needles again (yet another new skill . . . and one that helped me stay up until 2:00 a.m. so I could dose the cat), but the true test will come when I drop the next stitch.

Words of wisdom: If Life is a ball of yarn, knit yourself a hat. If you don't like the hat, reassess, unravel, and knit yourself a scarf. If you don't like the scarf, reassess, unravel, and look within. Put down the knitting book, the advice won't help. Once you know in your gut that you want a pair of mittens . . . knit knit knit - and don't worry about the dropped stitches or other delays - everything that goes into the making is what makes your mittens, YOUR mittens.

Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but it makes sense to me.

Resolution

$4,000 later, the neurologist is still unable to definitively diagnose my feline . . . but the medications seem to be working and she is home and happy . . . which is all that matters in the end. We let her out of her carrier and she immediately proceeded to bolt around the house purring wildly and making bread . . . and followed T. and I around like a lost puppy dog. And the GREAT news is she appears to be focusing on our faces - so I think her sight is recovering. With any luck, she will return to normal - or at least as normal as any animal of mine can be. WHEW.

In the meantime, I need to do some financial juggling in order to figure out how to pay her vet bills . . . le sigh.

How Much Is Your Pet's Life Worth?

How much is your pet's life worth? I've pondered this question and its hypothetical answers on a multitude of occasions. I never thought I would actually be put to the test.

So far, my pet's life is $3,000 and rising.

For the back story - I came home on Wednesday evening to find my seven-year-old calico crying inconsolably, shivering, and swiveling her head back and forth. Within a few minutes, I realized she was non-responsive and blind. My husband had seen her at 10:00 a.m., when he noted she was walking slow, but otherwise seemed fine . . . so her complete collapse took less than 8 hours. Needless to say, I called the vet immediately, but as it was after hours, their voicemail instructed me to contact the emergency vet. My conversation went something like this:

"Hi, my name is Andrea, and I have a cat that is disoriented, blind, crying inconsolably, and trembling which is why . . . "

"Yeah. You'll need to bring her in." [Insert a pause where I decide not to strangle the person on the other end of the phone because I do actually need their help.]

"I need directions," I finished.

Thirty minutes later, I was at the emergency vets, and to make a long story short - a $90 exam fee and $250 worth of blood tests later, they decide she needs to be kept overnight and rehydrated at $680 - $800. Translation - to take my cat to the vet, have them look at her, poke her with a needle to draw blood, and run an IV . . . $1,000 down the drain.


The next morning - they recommend that she sees a neurologist. In the meantime, I have a flight to Vegas (already paid for months in advance) that I can't cancel last minute - so I head out of town and get to hear the rest of this information third hand and figure out interesting ways of paying specialists . . . because apparently everyone requires FULL PAYMENT up front and they cannot accept voice authorization or credit card numbers over the phone. GGGRRRRRRRRRR. We have to move Callie from the emergency vet to our home practice (another $250 in hospitalization fees) . . . and then, from the home practice to the neurologist. At first, they inform us the neurologies is $2,000 for the exam. FOR THE EXAM. That means we will have spent $3,000 in diagnostics before they even tell us what we need to fix the problem . . . IF it is even fixable.

Choices. it all comes down to choices.

T. asks me what to do, and I tell him to call the neurologist and explain that since the economy is not exactly stable and dollars are at a premium, we're a touch reluctant to pay $5,000 to be told our cat has a brain tumor and is terminal. The neurologist is apparently a decent fellow who agrees . . . and so they tell us they can do an initial exam for $350. Much much better. Too bad it was followed by a request to do more blood work and a spinal tap . . . for an additional $1,000.

And so $3,000 into the DIAGNOSTICS, we have discovered that Callie is in perfect health. Perfect lungs. Perfect heart. Perfect bladder and kidneys. Even her eyes have no damage, and the spinal tap revealed no strange swelling or pressures on the brain . . . but she's still blind. Scary, but I can deal with blindness as long as she's not in distress. Animals are MUCH better than people at adjusting to these things.

So the latest theory put forth by the neurologist is that Callie has taxoplasmosis - which a brochure from the Cornell University College of Vetrinary Medicine (thank you Google) informs me is a parasite that infects cats, dogs, and humans (let's do an inventory of my household - cats, dogs, and human. Great.). In a nutshell, the parasite infects the animal, and when the animal's immune system begins to fight back, the parasite responds by going dormant and creating "cysts" in the animal's brain and central nervous system . . . causing disorientation, non-coordination, and blindness (among many other symptoms). Amongst the good news . . . the chances that the humans have been infected is extremely small . . . especially since I tend to wash my hands after handling cat feces. The bad news . . . while treatable, I don't know if they can undo the damage caused by the cysts . . . so Callie may be permanently blind.

And they are still not certain this is the answer. They are starting her on the treatment (antibiotics and steroids) . . . so we should know in a day or two if they are having any effect - but needless to say, I've spent a lot of time pondering how much my pet's life is worth . . . and when . . . and if I should stop treatment. And I'm furious that her care cost $3,000 - not because she is not worth every penny - but because I can't figure out why two sets of blood work, an IV, and a spinal tap cost so much. If they did an MRI - it would have added $2,000 to the bill. WHY? When did pet health care become so astronomically expensive?!

But I guess I finally have my answer. My cat is worth anywhere from $3,000 to $5,000 to me (and I know there are a multitude of people shaking their heads - but what can I say? To each their own). I keep sending her warm thoughts, and I hold my breath everytime the phone rings . . . because there is no guarantee even now that Callie is going to make it. Despite modern techonology I'm reduced to the old methods of thinking positive thoughts and sending her my best wishes . . . hoping that on some level my thoughts are helping her.

And all I want is to snuggle her and make everything all right (my only regret is I didn't snuggle her before handing her over. . . it all happened so fast - and I didn't realize I wouldn't see her again after I handed her to the emergency vet) - but I'm also certain that if she is in pain, and we can't stop it, I won't hesitate to have her put down.

It's a weird thing when you realize you love your pet enough to let someone kill her.

Not my most cheerful post . . . but then again, I'm not my most cheerful. I'll post the conclusion of the story, whatever it may be, as soon as I know . . . but I hope that when I go home in a few days, my fuzzy gets to come home too. And blind or not, as long as she's happy, I'll be happy. Funny how that works.

A Hodge Podge O' Thoughts

Being an adult is hard. Being a parent is hard. Why didn't anyone ever tell me kids were expensive? Daycare alone is over $700/month - YIKES! And have you seen what the economy did to gas and groceries? YEEP!

But still, I've always found a way to tie things together and keep them working. Sometimes my finances were held togeher with bubblegum and duct tape . . . and a little more duct tape . . . but in the end - it appears everything is going to work out. Another five years (maximum) and I should be . . . ::drumroll:: DEBT FREE! Yes, I know it is entirely un-American not to be at least $30,000 in debt (and no, you don't get to count your home loan) . . . but I am on the path to cutting up my credit cards and paying for lunch with a $10 bill.

Freedom smells like money. Weird.

On the time management side of things . . . I have lots and lots of projects. Still love the laptop. Have spent more time playing computer games than writing novel on the laptop . . . so all in all, it has been a BRILLIANT investment. But somewhere along the way, the New Year crept in, and finishing my novel is one of my major goals for 2009 . . . so fairly soon I'll dust off my NanoWriMo card that outlines toxic caffeine levels, I'll crack the whip, and away my thought train will go . . . hopefully no one will expect me to use my brain at work until novel completion. Hmmmmmmm . . .

Thanks to S. - I've learned the basic two stitches for knitting (the knit and the purl) . . . heck, I might even be spelling purl wrong . . . I'm still VERY new to this game - which has reminded me exactly why my family does not do craftsy things and we all failed at Home Economics. However - I shall persevere at least until I finish my first project - a fuzzy hat for A. - and who knows? Everyone says yarn is addicting.

Japanese update . . . we are almost finished with our first textbook: Japanese from Zero. I have also figured out how to convert my computer into a mobile language lab so I can study Japanese over lunch with one of the world's greatest language-learning softwares . . . the Rosetta Stone (somewhere in the background, a bunch of breathy female acolytes just repeated Rosetta Stone . . . this happens often). More reasons the computer has been a valuable investment, and I REGRET NOTHING!!!!!

A. is turning 5 in March (WOW - I can't believe it either) and will be heading to school in August. Bad side - picking a school is super-scary. Good side - daycare costs will decrease by at least $300/month. Still, I better schedule in an extra manicure or two to relieve the signs of nail biting. When we moved into the town home, T. and I never expected to have a child (heck, we were only going to live here for two years and then flip the townhouse for enough money to get a down on a respectable house) . . . but now it turns out we are in one the worst school districts around. ACK! Regardless, where there is a will, there is a way, and I have enough will for several lackluster individuals.

My whole life is finally moving and opening up. Not to say there won't be rough patches, but I feel like the glass is half-full . . . and there's an entire pitcher the waitress left on the table next door, just waiting for me. It's a good feeling.

Twilight - The Movie a/k/a A Definite Improvement

I must say, Twilight the movie is roughly 500% better than Twilight the book. They deleted most of the inane whiny dialogue (most of which occurs in Bella's head), smoothed over some of the most obvious inconsitencies (such as Bella's infamous Google search), and actually inserted some action scenes (INCLUDING THE VAMPIRE ON VAMPIRE FIGHT AT THE END . . . WOOT!!!!), proving that Hollywood can, on occasion, turn out a movie that is better than the book. There were a few wonderful lines that were not in the book, there were a few horrible lines that came straight from the book, but the word "butterscotch" did not arise once . . . so all in all, the movie receives my hearty stamp of approval (and they actually made Edward sexy . . . though the whole watching-Bella-sleep is still oh so creepy.

For anyone who has seen the movie, be sure to read the paradoy - Twilight in 15 Minutes . . . which is directly responsible for me having to bite my cheek in the theatre - hard - during the meadow scene to keep from bursting into hysterical laughter. Enjoy!

"Twilight" and Other Books of the Damned . . .

First off, I must thank L. for loaning me her copy of "Twilight." It provided hours of amusement and saved me paying the purchase price . . . so once I finished, I didn't have to wonder whether I could get my money back. On that note, while there were things I enjoyed about "Twilight," on the whole, I was not overly impressed (here is the part where anyone who liked the book will want to stop reading and go get a cup of coffee). SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Maybe it's because I'm an aspiring author, but I'm overly sensitive to the artistic side of the craft, and small inconsistencies and character flaws send me into a frothing frenzy reminiscent of an anal retentive obsessive compulsive walking into a tuberculosis ward. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the movie, because it HAS TO be better than the book, if only because the word "butterscotch" can't come up every time a vampiric character is described, and half of Bella's whiny internal monologues had to have been deleted, or the movie would have a running time of over 5 hours. I also want to see the special effects when a vampire is caught in sunlight as Stephenie Meyer has modified the vampire's traditional powers of darkness and damnation, creating a vampiric race that refuses to burn to death (as is tradition) when exposed to sunlight, and instead sparkles. Yes. You heard me. Sparkles.

Where to begin? Bella is your typical awkward adolescent, who has decided to change up her living style (Big City sun bunny) to the small town of Forks, where she fights studiously to retain her Big-City attitude - which requires she judge everyone on an entirely shallow superficial level and rigorously take no interest in anything that doesn't involve her personally. Bella moves in with her father, whom she dislikes intensely enough that she refuses to refer to him by anything except his first name - despite the fact that he bought her a truck as a welcome home gift, lets her do whatever she wants, gives her money at random intervals, loves her unconditionally, and is generally every teenager's idea of the perfect parent. On the other hand, she worships her mother, despite the fact that her mother is a feather-headed, needy hypochondriac who would ditch her own daughter, in traction, in a hospital, because she is EXPECTING a call from her boyfriend and her half-dead daughter inconveniently regained consciousness from a coma at roughly the same time the phone call MIGHT come in. No, I'm not making this up. Check page 468.

But I digress . . . rather than giving the impression she is a self-absorbed b****, her Big-City attitude acts like a strangely irresistible pheremone, and half the school is immediately entranced with her, including the equivalent of the school quarterback. Being shy, and never having been found attractive before, Bella immediately refuses date offers from almost every student carrying a Y-chromosome. (Who knew Stephenie Meyer's was writing a fantasy?) In the meantime, she develops an intense interest in the boy she's sitting next to in biology - a boy so beautiful that it appears he just finished shooting a gel commercial (what does that mean anyway? His hair is SHINY?) - especially since he appears like he is going to throw up every time she gets near him, he's unbearably rude to her, and his eyes turn pitch black. It's a good thing she's already taken all of the high school courses at her Big-City school, so she can ignore all her classes and spend the time surreptitiously watching Edward as he curls his hands into fists and tries to to tear her to pieces.

Edward. Ah, Edward. The vampire who constantly goes into a snit about what a monster he is, despite the fact that he feeds off animals (just like a human), lives with a loving family that do their best to live in harmony and look out for each other (just like a human), and immediately appoints himself as Bella's guardian angel, saving her from death numerous times (not like a human, but not exactly a monster stereotype either . . . ). He may have killed a few people in the distant past, but he claims they were all thieves and murders, which moves his "monster" rating to that of a Marvel superhero (Dununununu . . . Batman!). THE HORROR! And oddly, despite a diet of blood, his breath is apparently minty fresh and every time he exhales, Bella does her best to inhale, which I find highly disturbing. In fact, Edward's worst characteristic is his habit of breaking and entering into Bella's room and watching her while she sleeps, which I find highly creepy and she finds utterly romantic.

You begin to see why my brain is about to explode.

In one of her brief conversations with her father Bella lets drop that several individuals have warned her to stay away from Edward and his clan (the Cullens). Bella's father explosively defends the Cullens, telling Bella that they are good folk and decent upstanding individuals who have never caused a problem, so Bella immediately decides to hide all evidence that she might be dating someone her father would approve of. Oh, by the way, the most outspoken individuals with the most dire warnings happen to be a group of Native Americans with myths claiming they are the descendents of werewolves who signed a pact with the Cullens that banned any friendly, attractive sunshine and daisy vampires from stepping foot on the reservation. (Note this pact has no effect against unfriendly, marauding, bloodthirsty creatures of the damned - which might have been an interesting commentary on gun ownership laws in another context . . . but in this case is most likely an instance of poor writing). But we're not going to explore any of the werewolf ramifications in Twilight, because if something interesting was inserted, the story might collapse under its own weight - and just because vampires exist, that doesn't mean Bella has to believe in or research werewolves, right?

And speaking of research . . . .

Bella decides to research vampires via the Internet, and types "Vampire" into the Google search engine. Her list of attributes are "Speed, strength, beauty, pale skin, eyes that shift color, blood drinkers, enemies of the werewolf (DID SOMEONE SAY WEREWOLF?), cold-skinned, and immortal." And she gets . . . "very few myths that matched even one factor." (page 135). OH MY HAVENS! ARE THEY FREAKIN' SERIOUS? Of course, Bella immediately tosses out all of the movies, role-playing games, etc, that are based on the traditional vampire, which leaves only three tiny obscure entries about the Romanian Varacolaci, the Slovak Nelapsi, and the Italian Stregoni benefici vampires (that sound you heard is my hand smacking my forehead to make the hurting stop). Here's a little experiment . . . . I'm going to Google and typing in Bella's list - omitting Stephenie Meyer's "adjustments" (eye color, cold skin) . . . and voila . . . . 2,060 results.

Research aside, around page 400, something exciting finally happens, and a tribe of evil vampires begins to clash with the Cullens. Rather than describe something so obviously interesting, Stephenie Meyer wisks Bella away to safety in a hotel room in Phoenix, which is described in excruciating detail for several chapters - as Bella has nothing to do but examine the furniture and play with the cheap wall-art while waiting for all the actual action to pass over. The nefarious evil vampires manage to trick Bella into leaving the safety of her hotel room, selflessly giving herself over to death rather than risk her nigh-indestructible immortal love receiving a slight bruising of the knuckles from pummeling her antagonizer to death . . . and when we finally get to the crux of the novel, the face-off between good vampire and bad vampire, Stephenie Meyere ensures Bella loses consciousness so we don't have to witness anything so potentially frightening as a vampire-vampire fight. Instead, we get the ever so satisfying description from Edward "After I pulled him off you, Emmett and Jasper took care of him. . . . They had to leave the room . . . ."

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH. (At this point, I had to leave the room, for an entirely different reason that had to do with not nailing the book through a window from sheer frustration.) She can spend two chapters of Edward and Bella apologizing to each other for causing each other such pain and frustration . . . but we don't even get a one paragraph description of the actual fight? We know Edward has minty breath, butterscotch eyes, sparkles in sunlight, and possesses incredible strength and speed . . . none of which we get to see in action? Honest to goodness, Stephenie Meyer spends more time describing Bella's eating habits, driving habits, and showering habits than she spends on actual action and moving the plot forward. (And if anyone believes that Edward chastely stayed on the bed while Bella took a shower when he's proven he can be virtually invisible and travel through her house silently - EVEN WHEN HER DAD IS HOME . . . .I've got some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell you.)

But aside from those small flaws . . . there was an excellent 10 pages or so somewhere in the middle . . . .

On the bright side, I find the book highly inspirational. If Stephenie Meyer can be published . . . so can I!