Peacocks and Other Thoughts

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I am an aspiring writer and dedicated mommy who hopes to leave the world a little better than I found it. Of course, from what I can tell, as long as I don't drop-kick the world into a giant vat of sewage, I will have accomplished that goal.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Dear Blog, It's Me, Andrea . . .

Another Nano (National Novel Writer's Month) has come and gone - and my book nears completion. Yes - the book I've spent the past four years writing is coming to it's climax - and I'm suffering a little nervousness that I'll somehow fail to provide a satisfying ending. There is nothing worse than investing in a story and discovering the end leaves something to be desired.

What if that's me?

Aaaaaah!

But don't worry - I am persevering and continuing to type my little fingers off. I just hope my editor friends remember: "friends don't let friends sing on American Idol." If it sucks - tell me! Before I'm on national TV!

Other than my writing anxieties, all is well in the world. I've had to reduce some of my extracurricular activities - so I may be around a little more often. Then again, maybe not. I never know what's going to happen next in my life - and I wouldn't have it any other way!

And just in case I don't post before Christmas - Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or Happy Marketing Day for Retail Sales in Corporate America - take your pick of which saying you like best!

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Nano 2009 - This is the Year!

This is the year I will finish my novel. I know - I know - some of you have heard me say that before - but if I say it loud enough, and long enough, it will come true - and I hereby put all of my friends in charge of flogging me if it looks like my motivation tapers off and I turn back into a slacker.

Because I'm close. Very close. I have over 300 pages already - and I'm at the point in my novel when all hell breaks loose, and then all that remains is wrapping up the aftermath. Then I plan on giving myself a year (maximum) for editing - and its onwards and downwards to finding a publisher. The good news is, Fantasy has traditionally been the easiest genre to break into.

So I continue to trudge forward, nano-ing in my spare time and trying to force 50,000 words from my fingertips. (I did debate cutting and pasting some of my blog posts over, since these are essentially wasted word-count, but it just didn't fit the true spirit of Nano. I'm not trying to write 50,000 words. I'm tryig to write 50,000 ON-TOPIC words! YAY. )

This month coffee is my friend.

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Excerpt 1: Nano 2009


“At the very least, I think he will send a selection of dresses with the Lady Arisa tomorrow. With any luck, one of them will fit.”

Gwen’s cheeks flushed. “Is the entire court privy to issues involving my wardrobe?”

Arin chuckled. “The Prince was astute enough to ask about your injury – and it seemed safest to ply one of your tricks and turn the conversation to clothing. My other option was to discuss Lefyre and his unruly riding beast.”

“I find I rather prefer blue dresses,” Gwen blurted, her eyes sparkling.

Arin arched an eyebrow. “By which, I take it, you’d rather not discuss Lefyre,” he said, his lips twitching into a wry smile. He shrugged. “Aside from my conversation with Prince Naev, the rest of the evening was quite uneventful – save that Father Sideo stopped by the table and invited the both of us to join him for a picnic on the morrow. It appears that he feels Fenriod and Naev have had an unfair opportunity to spend candlemarks in your company – an imbalance which he means to rectify.”

Gwen drummed her fingers on the cover of the book. “On the surface, it all sounds reasonable,” she said, “but don’t you find it odd that all three candidates seem to be seeking out my company? Don’t you think they should be more interested in you, as the official representative of the crown?”

Arin started. “So much for a good night’s sleep,” he grumbled.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

FuLlMeTaL aLcHeMiSt- BrOtHeRhOoD

Somewhere along the way, I turned into a complete Full Metal Alchemist fan-girl. LOL! I never thought that would happen. On a more serious note - this series really deserves a serious look (and I've heard it has won numerous awards - though I still need to look up the information on that for myself). It took me a while to appreciate the characters - but the overall story ends up being breathtaking. And it has a lot of interesting themes about Life, Death, Hatred, War, and the Importance of Drinking Milk.

A note on the song . . . I don't usually like songs that are "screamers" - but this fit the tempo of te series so well that I found I liked it. I really really liked it!

Sharing my new found Full Metal Fan Girl-ness . . . and trying to figure out how to scrape $150-$200 to purchase the manga (in its original Japanese!!!) Christmas anyone? Takers? Anyone? Heh!

Monday, November 02, 2009

Nano 2009

Yep. It's that time of year again. Time to blow the dust off the novel, make myself a pot of coffee (or better yet - find a coffee house where someone else will make my pot of coffee), and type my little fingers off.

So far, so good. I'm doing well for 2,000 words a day and all the events are falling into place. My main character finally got to be sniffly - and even better, she got to be sniffly all over the guy she likes! All is well (or not well) depending on how you look at it!

If I seem spaced out and/or hard to get this month, it's because I'm burning the candle at both ends, trying to keep up with my bento blog, trying to indulge my anime obsession, planning a trip to Vegas for Thanksgiving, and trying to keep up with my frantic Life per usual - in addition to typing 50,000 words. YAY crazy psycho me!!

Nano Nano.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!

Those big fat flakes that I found so endearing turned into a full-blown snowstorm! I faithfully called into work at 6:15 a.m. on Thursday to listen to their "bad weather" posting - which informed me we had an hour late start. So I sighed and went to brush off the car. Doesn't look so bad, right?

Until you realize this is the car next to me.

On the plus side, my yew tree looked absolutely lovely. And it's pretty hardy - the snow didn't break any branches that I could tell!

The schools were closed, so I took A. to the grandma's. Needless to say, the subdivisions were definitely where the worst driving conditions could be found. Whoever cleared their roads decided that building a one and a half to two foot berm as a ridge down the middle of the street was the best way to go. I nearly high-centered my vehicle :P :P :P (For those who don't have to deal with snow (Ms. B. in Las Vegas!) - high-centered is when you manage to land your vehicle in a drift of snow so that the tires can't get any traction, and the whole underside is filled with snow - making it nigh impossible to dig out). That berm was stubborn!

Luckily, before I started into work, I decided to call the bad weather line again . . . and surprise surprise, they opted to close the office! SNOW DAY!!!

I had originally taken Friday as a vacation day, but since we had Thursday as a snow day, I opted to go in. Unfortunately, it was also the day of our Halloween party, but as I had not intended to be there, I wore no costume. (I did, however, quote Clerks a LOT. "I'm not even supposed to BE here TODAY!"). Since everyone gave me a rough time about the costume, I eventually grabbed a few pens and a redwell label, and made the following nametag. The folks who know me thought it was a riot. Everyone else was confused! LOL.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Snowfall

The first snowfall of winter. Okay - it snowed earlier this year - but when I opened the blinds today, there were large fat flakes of snow spinning out of the sky and coating everything with a soft wet blanket of cold fluff. For anyone who lives in Colorado - there are several types of snow. This was my favorite (mostly because it doesn't leave sheets of ice on all your windows) - but it is also the most damaging to the landscape.

My work graciously let us out two hours early to ensure everyone made it home safely. So I wisely chose to use that time driving over to a friend's house for a get together - because I'm silly that way. And I think I renewed my Colorado snow license by successfully making it to my destination despite several slippery starts and stops - and one light that I had to run - 'cause the brakes weren't going to cut it.

But it was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. And for the first time in a long time, it brought back the good memories of my hometown. The peaceful days. The times when we bundled up in sweaters and moonboots, when we went on moon-lit walks and the white flakes came spinning out of a dark sky filled with thousands of pinpricks of light (and how it can snow without clouds was always a fun mystery - but it does!).

It was peaceful. And even though I didn't think I was ready for winter, I really enjoyed the first true snowfall of the year - although I would recommend helping the trees out by knocking some of the larger chunks of snow out of their branches!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Rare Window Into The Inner Workings of Me

This week was full of strange epiphanies - and hopefully a good measure of my own spiritual growth. And what are blogs for, if not the occasional post entrusting your thoughts to the cradle of the electronic world?

I am generally very good at keeping myself balanced. But every once in a while I get in a dark mood. Usually, reminding myself that no one can be happy 100% of the time (though I won't swear to that if we're talking about zen monkhood) will usually get me through the rough patches. I usually step back, take a few deep breaths, analyze what is going on, and set about making changes to whatever aspects of my Life threw me off balance. But every once in a great while, I can't figure out what my distress is rooted in - and I become particularly angsty.

Which is partly why I've felt like an angsty teenager for the past week - and my frustrations have been mounting, since I'm 32 and not 17, and we all like to believe that we left high school at some point.

You need to be touched, you humans. - Mercedes Lackey, The Last Herald Mage series. (I promise this quote will tie in in a moment.)

And more bizarre facts about me . . . I've always been very sensitive to things happening in my vicinity. For lack of a better description, we'll call it "atmosphere." If people around me hurt, I hurt. And here's the weird part - I hurt for fictional characters. It's hard to explain - but the way that people hear music - the way you can be at a concert, the way your body can be throbbing to the beat - I can hear a story that way. I imagine it is the way a musician hears their own work - the ability to sense a sound within yourself before it is born onto paper or through the unique voice of a musical instrument. And sometimes, when you touch that source of creativity so intimately, it hurts.

Where does music come from? Where are stories born? Are fictional characters entirely fictional?

And along with this strange ability to hurt for a fictional being has come the ability to truly learn from books. Everyone has always commented on how I seem to possess a deep well of wisdom. It's because I literally feel the lessons of a story. As I read, I incorporate the themes into my store of knowledge. This manifested outwardly as I grew, with people who always told me I was "older than my age." When I was in highschool, I was mistaken for a college student. When I was angsty and 17, with no boyfriend, everyone instinctively turned to me for dating advice, even though I was so mucked up I couldn't hold a healthy relationship. Weird, right?

And a third piece of the puzzle falls into place. Sometimes fictional characters are more real to me than "real" people. I suppose it shouldn't come as a huge surprise - given that I have very few ties to the real world. (And no - I'm not ready for the loony bin - just hear me out.)

Factoids (which some folks might call a "pity party" - but I'm not digging for sympathy - I'm stating the facts to help in understanding the rest of this vein of thought - provided you're still reading and haven't yawned and gone to sleep already . . . heh). My family is dysfunctional with a capital "D." Of the family I have left alive (and there aren't all that many members), half are not speaking to me, half are in distant locations, and the rest are dealt with in small, carefully controlled doses (mostly on their part, not mine). I believe they love me - in their own way - but the dysfunctionality means my own needs for a family are not met. And where most folks draw strength from their hometown and the relationships they built, my hometown was literally turned into a tourist resort. Imagine someone knocking down your hometown and replacing it with a "Disneyland" version of your home town, and you'll approximate the odd disassociated feelings I have. I can visit, but I have no one to stay with, and while the building look the same - they aren't the building in my memory. In short - I'm like a tree with no roots.

You need to be touched, you humans. Think about that quote for a moment. Think about all of the connections that enable us to go on living. We have our friends. We have our families. We have daily interactions with strangers - interactions that may alter the course of someone's life. Stopping to help someone pick up a scattering of paper may keep them from committing suicide. Leaving a $20 tip for a waitress may mean she pays her gas bill for the first time in months. We just don't know. I do believe we are all connected. I think we meet the people we meet for a reason. I think we all have a purpose.

But I hurt for others. I hurt for myself. I hurt so deeply that I've learned how to build my own internal walls to preserve who I am. In high school it wasn't so much peer pressure as an actual reworking of my own personality and soul. I have the odd ability to tear my own personality to it's constituent parts. If I had a behavior that someone disapproved of, I would wrench it out of myself and then try and stitch the wounded pieces back together. (Welcome to why relationships were not the best idea). Imagine that you have a habit of brushing your hair out of your face. Imagine that someone didn't like that - and so you were able to just stop. Stop laughing. Stop feeling. Stop enjoying one activity or another.

One of the best things I did in college was lock myself out of my own damn personality and learn to love myself, as I am.

And so when no one of flesh and blood has been available, I've always had my books. I've read some stories until they are emblazoned in my mind. Read the books until the covers literally fell off. And when I cried, that is where I poured my heart and soul. And maybe that's why the gateway opened - and why I can hear the voices of things that don't exist so clearly. When you are a writer, you literally have conversations with these "figments of your imagination." You "see" them with your inner eyes. To a great extent, you decide where they are going - what they are doing - if and when they live or die.

In the darkness, when I feel alone, I can feel them holding me. Sometimes, I think it is only the presence of these fictional characters that keep me sane. (How's that for an argument against being committed? "Gee, Doc - I'll be fine as long as I can hear the voices in my head.") And reality blurs. There are some days when I feel torn between two worlds. When I feel that there have to be other places that exist - even if they exist without being connected to our reality. And in an effort to not injure myself over the years (or be committed - let's be honest here) I've become very very good at hiding what I'm thinking. (Though my Philosophy professor in college wanted me to major in Philosophy. Good grief! I thought an English Major was pretty useless, but what would I have done with Philosophy?!)

So that's why I'm posting this little tidbit into my world. No one knows what I'm thinking unless I say it - and so I am saying it - in black and white, for any who care. I'm strong - but I still need to be touched. I need to have friends I can rely on, and people who let me be myself. My angsty mood has been because I've been hurting for so many friends and family, and at the same time, I feel as though I'm not supported. And I'm taking active steps to fix that (this blog is one, believe it or not!). I need to find people who accept me - inner voices and all. Who are willing to discuss worlds of possibilities as though possibilities exist. Because some of my best friends aren't real, but that doesn't mean the lessons they've taught me aren't real.

It is hard to explain - because I love my Life. I love the person I am. I love my baby-boo with all my heart. I am so thankful for all my friends and the people I know care about me. This post is me looking in the mirror and acknowledging the shadows - the needs that aren't being met and are throwing me off kilter. But I do Love myself. And I believe loving yourself is the first step in loving outside of yourself. I know I'm not alone . . . I just feel . . . isolated. And the first step to breaking isolation is looking for another person to validate your own existence. It's weird that we need to look outside of ourselves for answers - but sometimes we do. Ultimately when you write a novel, you write for yourself - but what is a novel without an audience? Why do we read what other people have written?

I know what you're thinking - I should have taken my Philosophy professor up on the offer . . . maybe that's why the Universe is still messing with me. Now it's my job to find the place where I fit in . . . I guess you could say I'm beginning to search for my own purpose - be it large or small. Ultimately, I want to find the things here and now, that I can "feel" as strongly for as their fictional counterparts. Because fiction comes from somewhere - so I have a hope that the things the stories are based on exist. That's the theory, at any rate. Wish me luck!