Holy Flaming Bagel Bites!

For years, I have cooked Bagel Bites in a manner wildly inconsistent with the directions on the package. Whenever I try to cook them according to the directions, I end up with cold, nasty Bagel Bites. The cheese won't melt. The "bagels" stay soggy. I have always cooked my Bagel Bites for two minutes on the highest setting (which they expressly forbid you to do in the package directions). I get absolutely nummy Bagel Bites, with the cheese melted, and bagels that turn rock-hard after a few minutes of exposure to air. Mmmm... just the way I like them.

So tonight I decide to make A. Bagel Bites for part of his nutritious dinner (mandarin oranges and a glass of milk made up the "nutritious" part). I placed four bagels on the plate, and put them in for six minutes on 50% power. Note: I was TRYING to be GOOD. I used 50% power.

I went to the restroom.

Holy flaming Bagel Bites!!!! Smoke was pouring out of the microwave - and there was still three minutes of cook time to go. T. and I got the microwave stopped, and frantically opened every window in the house. I am going to pause here to say - steam from a hot shower causes my smoke alarm to beep - but piles of smoke billowing out of the kitchen didn't set off a thing (I think I'll be fixing that little issue soon.)

Of course, I had to experiment. We pulled the sad, charred remains of the prior four Bagel Bites out of the microwave. I placed four fresh, frozen bagels on the plate, programmed the cook time exactly the way I had before . . . and stayed to watch.

After thirty seconds, the bagels began to bubble.

Eleven years of cooking the stupid things - and I couldn't get the cheese to melt when I put nine bagels in the microwave at work for SIX minutes on 50%. Apparently, four bagels placed in my home-microwave will burst into flame in under two minutes.

There is something very very wrong with the world.